It's so easy to forget what the holidays are meant for. I am grateful I am able to make a difference in a lil girls life this Christmas. Hannah is 7, just like my Sami. Hannah is the lil girl we sponsor every month for just $28. Being a sponsor is more than just paying the $ each month. It's a moment in your life to let a child know they mean something. I am not rich by no means. I am on disability and pinch pennies like most of you. But I have made it a point to remember how I grew up. My mom had 7 of us to raise with an alcholic dad that done everything but the right thing.
I do my best to at least send Hannah a letter each month with a little something in it. Silly bands, stickers or something that lets her know I am thinking about her. I can only imagine how she must feel to know a stranger cares for her.
Make a difference someway, somehow this Christmas and make a childs day.
(((hugs))) Hannah
Friday, December 10, 2010
Friday, November 19, 2010
Did I just hear that?...
So yesterday Lisa and I ate lunch with Sami at her school. On the way out of the building we made our way through the crowds of ppl when to my right I hear someone call out "LESBIANS". For a second I thought I was hearing things. I turned to look and I am not sure but I think it came from a black lady since she was the one laughing. I went on my way and asked Lisa if she heard that and she said no. So I just had to go back and we did. As I turn the corner to where the "lady" was I see her standing with a crowd of ppl laughing. The sad thing is there was what was obviously their kids standing there with them. I didn't say anything, only because Lisa wouldn't let me.
I am 42 years old and have nvr experienced anything thing like that. What a shame that we are almost in 2011 and there is still such ignorance beging taught to children through parents that obviously haven't learned themselves what it is to be judged.
I am 42 years old and have nvr experienced anything thing like that. What a shame that we are almost in 2011 and there is still such ignorance beging taught to children through parents that obviously haven't learned themselves what it is to be judged.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Day by day...
Sitting here listening to the new Taylor Swift cd, she is such an amazing artist. I feel like a calm storm inside. It's taking some time to get this mania back in check. I have been edgy and snappy. I am determined not to let this get the best of me. I had came so far with my patience and took great pride in it. Things will be fine... I have to much to live for to let it get the last word. It's days like this I wish I could call mom and just hear her voice.
In the meantime I am getting my ducks in a row with my lgbtq As One logo. I contacted a professor of business at UT and got some vaulable information. I'm excited about the next steps.
In the meantime I am getting my ducks in a row with my lgbtq As One logo. I contacted a professor of business at UT and got some vaulable information. I'm excited about the next steps.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Mommy daughter day...
Sami & I spent the evening hanging out. We played at the park where I actually had fun on the swings. It has been yrs since I played like that. Sami made friends as she always does. They played kick ball and burried acorns lol. Then we went to Mc'ds and ate at the big stools. Sami thought that was fun. She played a while on playground then we went home before it got to cold. As we was leaving Mc'ds she said "can we go shopping now" lol
Homework time then a bath!
We have plans to do it again this weekend if it isn't to cold.
Homework time then a bath!
We have plans to do it again this weekend if it isn't to cold.
Time to move on...
My therapist says I should stop beating myself up. I suppose shes right. Even though thats what Lisa has been telling me for days. The truth is this has been building for months and it wasn't for lack of trying that things didnt't work out. Sometimes it's impossible to share your space with other ppl. For me it is and I have learned the hard way never to do that again. Sometimes the kindest gesture will come back to slap you in the face. I have learned to keep my head down, mind my own business and focus on me myself and I! Beats being used and made to look like a bitch in the end.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Not a moment to soon
Therapy in 30 min. I'm feeling very manic this morning. I wont bother listing all of the emotions just know that this is a very dark place. I'm just waiting for the bomb to blow. Never again will I allow myself to deal with such stress that it puts me over the edge. I feel anger and bitterness and could really use a break from reality right now.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Therapy tomorrow... thank God!
Imagine walking along minding your business and from out of no where you are attacked by something that has no face. It is an energy that consumes me and sends rage throughout my mind. That is what going manic feels like. It comes when it wants to but most intensly after being under great stress.
It's A New Day
I suppose I should allow myself to welcome defeat and give into my emotions. But my mom would kick my ass if she thought I would give up so easily.I have a precious daughter that takes my breath away. Not gonna check out that easily.
Tigger has slept next to my feet for the past few nights. Tigger is Sami's cat. Tigger is almost one and the sweetest kitty ever. I think he senses a shift in the energy around him. Enough negative energy. I must get my mind together.
I have plans...
We are in the process of trademarking my As One logos. I have a copyright but want to make sure my name is trademarked too. I need to change my profile pic to it. Maybe I will remember to do that today.
My plans are to license my logo to the lgbtq community retailers. Starting in Asheville NC. There must be 200 stores there. I can hear Lisa (my partner of 12yrs) say "THANK YOU FOR THESE YEARS, BUT I RETIRE. :o)" That's music to my ears. I can hear her saying that and laughing until she crys. lol
I have 2 homes to build right away for the family. I plan to build them at the same time. Lisa will stay busy taking care of the houses with the help of our friend Christy. Christy is a kitchen designer in Asheville :o) Lisa & I have decided to move to Asheville once As One hits. Which I am planning within 8 months, by July 2011.
I feel a shift taking place. I told Lisa last night I feel like I can take on the world. This is a new type of manic to me. Typically manic for me means rage. I feel so calm and focused right now. Maybe its the rope mom drops down for me from tme to time. But I am a fighter, lover and dreamer. And I refuse to let go, rope burns and all.
Imagine it....
Standing on the porch mid October. Looking out into the mnts of Asheville. The breath taking fall leaves fall from the sky like winter snow will soon. As the evening fades the lights from the beautiful city below will soon be reflecting in the eyes of the one you love more than your next breath.
I can feel the cool breeze blowing as Lisa holds me tight and Sami says "It's cold out here lol"
Tigger has slept next to my feet for the past few nights. Tigger is Sami's cat. Tigger is almost one and the sweetest kitty ever. I think he senses a shift in the energy around him. Enough negative energy. I must get my mind together.
I have plans...
We are in the process of trademarking my As One logos. I have a copyright but want to make sure my name is trademarked too. I need to change my profile pic to it. Maybe I will remember to do that today.
My plans are to license my logo to the lgbtq community retailers. Starting in Asheville NC. There must be 200 stores there. I can hear Lisa (my partner of 12yrs) say "THANK YOU FOR THESE YEARS, BUT I RETIRE. :o)" That's music to my ears. I can hear her saying that and laughing until she crys. lol
I have 2 homes to build right away for the family. I plan to build them at the same time. Lisa will stay busy taking care of the houses with the help of our friend Christy. Christy is a kitchen designer in Asheville :o) Lisa & I have decided to move to Asheville once As One hits. Which I am planning within 8 months, by July 2011.
I feel a shift taking place. I told Lisa last night I feel like I can take on the world. This is a new type of manic to me. Typically manic for me means rage. I feel so calm and focused right now. Maybe its the rope mom drops down for me from tme to time. But I am a fighter, lover and dreamer. And I refuse to let go, rope burns and all.
Imagine it....
Standing on the porch mid October. Looking out into the mnts of Asheville. The breath taking fall leaves fall from the sky like winter snow will soon. As the evening fades the lights from the beautiful city below will soon be reflecting in the eyes of the one you love more than your next breath.
I can feel the cool breeze blowing as Lisa holds me tight and Sami says "It's cold out here lol"
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Manic whispers
Being manic means several things I suppose. But if u deny hearing the whispers, u will be denying the signs that u r about to become manic. It's like a good angel and a bad one. They r always close by. You fell the stress building as the whispers inform u that u have just been pissed off or something as desturbed ur wave frequency in the way ur calm mind is acting. Don't ignore the whispers they r ur gut saying ur about to .... BLOW!
As bad as things was in the height of my manic outburst I am grateful for my meds. I would give that episode a 3 or 4 out of the horrific 10 I was yrs ago before being diagnosed.
As bad as things was in the height of my manic outburst I am grateful for my meds. I would give that episode a 3 or 4 out of the horrific 10 I was yrs ago before being diagnosed.
Be aware of the signs
I thought I had made great sucess in the past 6 or 7 yrs of therapy. I am living with an emptyness. Seems like I am on an emotional rollercoaster. This is an inside look at the depression side of bipolar. The manic is still lingering in the form of a heavy burdon weighing on my mind and heart. Seems like bullets are coming at me from all directions. the only thing I know to do is absorb them and hope one don't shatter my ability to reason with myself.
I wonder if I am giving myself good advice or setting myself up for definate disaster!
I wonder if I am giving myself good advice or setting myself up for definate disaster!
Appreciation
I think it took me going manic to appreciate my life and all that is in it. It's sad that it took such a horrific event to take place for me to realize I am so very fortunate in my life. There are moments burned into our minds that we nvr forget. I will live with my guilt for the rest of my life and use it as a tool to never put myself in another situation where I cannot control my own actions.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Manic after 7yrs
Thank God for my medication. i went manic the other night after being under months of stress. The sad thing is I destroyed a relationship that needs a lot of time to heal. Gratitude is so hard to come by sometimes. I preach gratitude to the world & I must be the most ungrateful person in the world.
Friday, October 15, 2010
The dream that's coming true
My speech was called What If. I talked about missing children with more passion than I had ever felt. I knew the minute that speech was over something was going to change in my life but I had no idea of what or when.
Fast forward a year or so...
It was a thusday night and tribal council was about to take place on survivor. I had been in and out of the hospital for over a week. Every night I would drive myself (lol yes I like to be in control)to spend the night listening to my babys heartbeat and feeling her move inside. Samantha Danielle Roberts-Wolford is her name. She is named after Samantha Runnion and Danielle Van dam. Two of the children I researched for my speech. Both of those precious children had been murdered. Sami is the most amazing gift life has given me. A gift from God! I start my every day by telling Sami I love her and thank God for her. I remind her how beautiful, smart, and precious she is. I tell her how proud I am of her.
Am I perfect? Far from it! But I have came to believe that the most precious gifts will appear in ways we nvr imagined. I have wanted to be a mommy since I can remember. I didn't know when but I knew it would happen.
First part of the dream complete. Now to change the world through the eyes of Sami Moink. :o)
Fast forward a year or so...
It was a thusday night and tribal council was about to take place on survivor. I had been in and out of the hospital for over a week. Every night I would drive myself (lol yes I like to be in control)to spend the night listening to my babys heartbeat and feeling her move inside. Samantha Danielle Roberts-Wolford is her name. She is named after Samantha Runnion and Danielle Van dam. Two of the children I researched for my speech. Both of those precious children had been murdered. Sami is the most amazing gift life has given me. A gift from God! I start my every day by telling Sami I love her and thank God for her. I remind her how beautiful, smart, and precious she is. I tell her how proud I am of her.
Am I perfect? Far from it! But I have came to believe that the most precious gifts will appear in ways we nvr imagined. I have wanted to be a mommy since I can remember. I didn't know when but I knew it would happen.
First part of the dream complete. Now to change the world through the eyes of Sami Moink. :o)
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Sami's Big Day
Sami's Big Day is my first children's book. It is based on the moink characters. I started working on the moinks Jan 07, after mom died. My life would never be the same. My big brother died in July 04. I was forced to withdrawal from school. I was studying to become a k-6 teacher. My brain almost worked back then. Lol Somehow I managed to maintain a 3.5 avg and give a speech that would forever change my life.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
I'm in my own way
Everyday I am reminded of how hard it is to stay..should I say, find focus. Seems like it should be an easy accomplishment huh? I have dreams and goals like everyone else. The difference is, I get in my own way of accomplishing them. It's a vicious cycle.
Friday, September 24, 2010
My precious lil girl is feeling bad
Sami came home early today with an upset tummy. Sami is my soon to be 7yr old. She is the light at the end of my tunnel.
It is so easy to forget how fortunate we are. I want to share something I read recently from a book called The Power by Rhonda Byrne. One of the many lessons I learned and am applying to my life talks about frustration. When u reach a point of frustration visualize the most precious person in ur life standing there infont of u.
Sometimes my frustration hit close to home so I visualize Sami standing there telling me she loves me. It's amazing how fast my frustration is changed to gratitude.
It is so easy to forget how fortunate we are. I want to share something I read recently from a book called The Power by Rhonda Byrne. One of the many lessons I learned and am applying to my life talks about frustration. When u reach a point of frustration visualize the most precious person in ur life standing there infont of u.
Sometimes my frustration hit close to home so I visualize Sami standing there telling me she loves me. It's amazing how fast my frustration is changed to gratitude.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Pizza For Dinner
Hiya everyone,
What more can a girl ask for than Papa Johns for dinner?
I wanted to start tonights blog by saying thank you for those of you that have read my first post and made comments or emailed me. I am truly thankful for all the feedback and hope you don't feel so alone now. I want to share some things with you tonight that has helped me to reach a better place in this bipolar world I live in. Don't get me wrong I know that I am always one slip up away from having a major backset. Taking my meds has become first priority to me. I am not a doctor and I don't play one on TV. But I can speak from my heart and tell you the things that have helped me deal with things better.
First of all if you are bipolar don't let that diagnoses get in the way and cloud your mind to what and who you are. I like to say I am bipolar but bipolar does not define who I am as a person. I am a kind hearted, loving person that would give you the shirt off my back. I just happen (w/o meds) to be a little jekel and hydeish. ;op
...(BLB) Bipolar lie bug...
One of the things I have worked very hard on in therapy and out since being diagnosed 5+yrs ago is allowing myself to have a good day and not feel guilty about it. Depression is this little lie than can snowball out of control if you don't stay on top of it. I can't tell you how many times I have caught myself laughing out loud and said ohh wait.. I will pay for this tomorrow if I laugh today. Have you ever done that or felt that way? Well it's that bipolar lie bug that gets into our head and tells us we are not worthy of a good day and if you should dare have one you will pay the price for it later. Don't be fooled by the BLB (bipolar lie bug).
Once I reached a point where I really struggled with allowing myself to be happy I decided to try something to remind me it was ok to be happy. So I printed out a little collage of pics that really meant a lot to me. Like the first time I saw Sami right after she was born, the cover of my first book (even though it turned out to be different once published^^), one of me and Lisa and a couple others of Sami acting silly. I added HUGE text on top of the collage that said SMILE :o) IT'S OK TO HAVE A GOOD DAY. I posted that pic right at my desk where I would see it several times a day and I promised myself each time I looked at it I would take a moment to reflect on those pics and allow myself to feel blessed and happy. It may seem like a silly thing to do but it really set the pace for me in the morning.
Keep in mind that "they say" with bipolar we have a stronger (for lack of a better word) reaction to things than one without bipolar. By the way, I refuse to call those people normal, because most of them are crazier than I could ever be. ;op My point is... if we react to things with more sensitivity then why can we put ourselves in a position to react to positive things in the same way we do negative things. Lets get manic over the smile on our baby’s face or the purr of our kitten. We don't have to let bipolar tell us what kind of day we are going to have.
...Gratitude...
I remember watching a movie and the person was talking about gratitude. Basically they was asking if I was grateful. Well I thought how dare you $%^& ask me if I am grateful. (Yes I talk to the TV). I thank ppl when its appropriate and I appreciate the things I have. But as I really allowed myself to listen and hear what they was saying I realized that gratitude is not just being thankful on the outside but deep in the core of your spirit grateful. If you asked me now what am I grateful for it would be a different answer than it was 6 yrs ago.
Bipolar is always one step away from destroying our lives and we can allow that to happen or we can fight back by going to therapy and better understanding the illness, by taking our meds everyday and understanding that if we miss a day it is no excuse to stop taking them all together. Remember that we may be the one with the title "bipolar" but our family and friends are on this ship with us. If we go down we drag them with us. Instead of letting bipolar remind you of all the things you are not and cannot ever be, look bipolar in the face and demand some respect of who you know you are! Count your blessings...
I am grateful for having made up with mom and being able to share Sami with her. I am grateful for the roof over my head and being able to put my child to bed at night knowing she’s not hungry. I am grateful for having ppl in my life that loves me in spite of my crazy ways. I am grateful for my meds and that I have insurance to pay for them. Of course there are tons of other things I am grateful for but we need to remind ourselves to be grateful and not just let it fall by the waist side.
I would love to hear from you what you plan to do to allow yourself to be put in a happy frame of mind.
Until next time.. Lift yourself into your joy.
Margo
What more can a girl ask for than Papa Johns for dinner?
I wanted to start tonights blog by saying thank you for those of you that have read my first post and made comments or emailed me. I am truly thankful for all the feedback and hope you don't feel so alone now. I want to share some things with you tonight that has helped me to reach a better place in this bipolar world I live in. Don't get me wrong I know that I am always one slip up away from having a major backset. Taking my meds has become first priority to me. I am not a doctor and I don't play one on TV. But I can speak from my heart and tell you the things that have helped me deal with things better.
First of all if you are bipolar don't let that diagnoses get in the way and cloud your mind to what and who you are. I like to say I am bipolar but bipolar does not define who I am as a person. I am a kind hearted, loving person that would give you the shirt off my back. I just happen (w/o meds) to be a little jekel and hydeish. ;op
...(BLB) Bipolar lie bug...
One of the things I have worked very hard on in therapy and out since being diagnosed 5+yrs ago is allowing myself to have a good day and not feel guilty about it. Depression is this little lie than can snowball out of control if you don't stay on top of it. I can't tell you how many times I have caught myself laughing out loud and said ohh wait.. I will pay for this tomorrow if I laugh today. Have you ever done that or felt that way? Well it's that bipolar lie bug that gets into our head and tells us we are not worthy of a good day and if you should dare have one you will pay the price for it later. Don't be fooled by the BLB (bipolar lie bug).
Once I reached a point where I really struggled with allowing myself to be happy I decided to try something to remind me it was ok to be happy. So I printed out a little collage of pics that really meant a lot to me. Like the first time I saw Sami right after she was born, the cover of my first book (even though it turned out to be different once published^^), one of me and Lisa and a couple others of Sami acting silly. I added HUGE text on top of the collage that said SMILE :o) IT'S OK TO HAVE A GOOD DAY. I posted that pic right at my desk where I would see it several times a day and I promised myself each time I looked at it I would take a moment to reflect on those pics and allow myself to feel blessed and happy. It may seem like a silly thing to do but it really set the pace for me in the morning.
Keep in mind that "they say" with bipolar we have a stronger (for lack of a better word) reaction to things than one without bipolar. By the way, I refuse to call those people normal, because most of them are crazier than I could ever be. ;op My point is... if we react to things with more sensitivity then why can we put ourselves in a position to react to positive things in the same way we do negative things. Lets get manic over the smile on our baby’s face or the purr of our kitten. We don't have to let bipolar tell us what kind of day we are going to have.
...Gratitude...
I remember watching a movie and the person was talking about gratitude. Basically they was asking if I was grateful. Well I thought how dare you $%^& ask me if I am grateful. (Yes I talk to the TV). I thank ppl when its appropriate and I appreciate the things I have. But as I really allowed myself to listen and hear what they was saying I realized that gratitude is not just being thankful on the outside but deep in the core of your spirit grateful. If you asked me now what am I grateful for it would be a different answer than it was 6 yrs ago.
Bipolar is always one step away from destroying our lives and we can allow that to happen or we can fight back by going to therapy and better understanding the illness, by taking our meds everyday and understanding that if we miss a day it is no excuse to stop taking them all together. Remember that we may be the one with the title "bipolar" but our family and friends are on this ship with us. If we go down we drag them with us. Instead of letting bipolar remind you of all the things you are not and cannot ever be, look bipolar in the face and demand some respect of who you know you are! Count your blessings...
I am grateful for having made up with mom and being able to share Sami with her. I am grateful for the roof over my head and being able to put my child to bed at night knowing she’s not hungry. I am grateful for having ppl in my life that loves me in spite of my crazy ways. I am grateful for my meds and that I have insurance to pay for them. Of course there are tons of other things I am grateful for but we need to remind ourselves to be grateful and not just let it fall by the waist side.
I would love to hear from you what you plan to do to allow yourself to be put in a happy frame of mind.
Until next time.. Lift yourself into your joy.
Margo
Monday, January 4, 2010
Hiya everyone, I'm Margo!
Ok... here it is 2010 and I am finally getting on the blog wagon. Why? Well I didn't really think I had anything to say but for those who know me as a motor mouth would beg to differ.
What really brings me here is because I want to use this blog as a source of self motivation in bringing my new ideas to life and I hope to get feedback that kicks me in the butt from time to time so I can stay focused. I also want to be an inspiration to other bipolar people by telling my story.
Did I say focused? Being bipolar and staying focused is a job in its own. So if you are bipolar and reading this give yourself a pat on the back if you get to the bottom of the page in one sitting. ;o)
...Crash Course in Bipolar...
Being biploar is like watching a rat on a wheel. They work so hard to get where they are going in their mind but never reach the destination. The mind racing is so frustrating. It takes me several times to read something and comprehend it. The things that are no big deal to most people become a huge focal point of frustration to me.
After spending my life (I'm 41) just thinking I was a bitch, I was diagnosed with bipolar about 5yrs ago. I had went back to school after a work related injury left me unable to do heavy labor. I was studying to become a k-6 teacher and was a 1st time mommy to 6 month old Sami (Samantha Danielle Roberts-Wolford).
I had no idea at the time that I was suffering from postpartum depression and bipolar. I just thought I was overly stressed going back to school after Sami's birth. I had somehow managed, with my inability to stay focused for long periods of time, to maintain a 3.5-3.8 GPA.
...The Visit...
It was June 04. I drove to Illinois to visit my only sister Ruth (I love u sis) and my brother Curtis meet me there. I remember as he walked in the door at Ruths thinking he looked like a stroke victim. He was pale gray and looked totally drained of energy. My heart sank to my stomach. I was scared. We spent a few days together and Curt feel in love with Sami. I have the sweetest pic of him playing with her feet. We took a few pics and as he started to leave I remember this emptiness that came over me. I knew in my heart I would never see him again. I didn't know how, but I was sure that would be it. We went our seperate ways...
...The Day the World Stopped Spinning...
I don't remember who called me or what time of day it was I only remember that I couldn't breath and time stood still. My brother Curtis was dead just a few weeks after I saw him at Ruths. He would become the 2nd brother to die in his early 40's. My oldest brother Harold, died when I was much younger of a massive heart attack. Not to play down the grief of Junebugs death (that's whats the family called him), Curt's death brought me to my knees and would lead to some of the darkest days in my life.
I stayed with mom in KY while his funeral was held in Illinois...
...Trying To Move On...
I remember wandering through the halls trying to find classrooms I had spent the past 2yrs sitting in day after day. Feeling like I was losing my mind only to find out later I was having panic attacks. It was about two weeks into the first semester back after having Sami. I had worked so hard in college to succeed. I was a high school drop out and although I managed to get my GED I wanted to have a degree to be proud of.
I was sitting in one of my education classes watching the professor talk in slow motion. At least I thought she was. I couldn't breath and the people beside me felt like they where sitting in my lap. In that moment I decided to withdraw from college. I went home and became more irate than ever in my life. I sucked at being a mother, partner and human being.
Everything made me furious. The sound of my daughter crying, the TV, being spoken to. I hated myself and I hated life. I tried my best to shut the world out around me. I layed in bed for days at a time. As you can imagine this is the short version of the story.
...Being Diagnosed...
I finally realized that I needed help. I had wanted a baby all of my life (I was 35 at the time) and I was screwing up the best relationship I had ever had in my life. it took a lot of courage to go to the doctor. I assumed he would say stop being a bitch and get your shit together. In fact he knew me better than I knew myself.
I decided if I was going to do this I had to put all of my cards on the table, and that I did. By the time I was finished telling him what a horrible person I was I was confident he would be so disgusted he would show me the door. On the contrary the man saved my life in that moment.
"Margo I think you are bipolar," he said. Bipolar? The only time I had ever recalled hearing the word bipolar was while standing in the hall at school and watching this girl as she pestered the shit out of everyone around her. Someone said she was bipolar and I thought I don't care if she is tripolar she is driving me nuts. And that's what I was!?
It took several combinations of meds to find the ones that works best for me. Even though life is much better since being diagnosed and continuing therapy, life does still offer its challenges.
...Don't Get to Comfortable...
I am a firm believer that if you don't sit on the edge of your seat and stay ready life will slap you in the face.
It had been a year or so since Curt died and even though I had not went back to school I was beginning to find some light at the end of the dark tunnel I had been in. I spent time going back and forth to KY and building a relationship with mom, one we had not ever had before. I left home when I was 15 and pretty much have been on my own since then. Oh... did I mention I am also a lesbian? Looking back I don't know if our relationship was strained due to me being gay or due to the fact that I wanted to be independent and didn't mind voicing my opinion. Probably a lot of both.
Sept 9, 2006 I got the call from my cousin that mom had died. I had just spent a week with mom a few days later so emotions was running high. All I can say is thank God I had been taking my meds. In that moment I was heart broken but strangly enough, calm. I think part of me knew it was coming because mom had spent a lot of the time I was there talking about what she wanted me to do when she died. I knew I had to keep it together and make sure her last wishes where carried out.
Leaving out the fact that I have brothers that are not worthy of being called men, moms funeral went over pretty good. Looking back now I realize I was in a state of shock for about two weeks after moms death. I sat there Sept. 11th (my birthday) staring at her casket wondering what the future would hold. Boy was I in for a ride...
...Shadows in the Darkness...
After returning to TN (where I live) I pretty much stopped taking my meds because I didn't think I was able to grieve properly for mom. What I later learned in therapy is that grieving is not based on the number of tears you shed but the way you choose to remember the ones you lose. Nevertheless I did grieve, to the point of almost ending my life. I layed in bed countless days from Sept to Jan 07 and spent more time thinking of how I could end my life than I did living it.
I have never felt more alone, frustrated, scared, sad, empty, helpless and all the other words that come with dispare and agony. Days ran into weeks and I know that I was as close to giving up as I had ever been in my life. Keep in mind that when you are bipolar the things that most people can deal with rationally becomes a full blown episode of irrational thinking.
In those moments I felt like I was in a hole that kept getting deeper and darker. The shadows around me swallowed my soul to the point there was no climbing out.
...Mom to the Rescue...
Early Jan 07. I was laying in bed one day and going through my daily regime of self pity and contiplating suicide. I felt like someone was looking at me. I opened my eyes and even though I didn't see anyone there I felt the spirit of mom all around me. Mom use to tell us when we where depressed or frustrated to "bend over and pull yourself up by the bootstraps and keep going forward."
That morning I sat up in bed and for the first time in a long time I was ready to live. I was sick of being sick and ready to do something about it. I got out of bed and took a shower. I decided to spend the day playing with Sami. Sami loves to paint so I took an old box and tore it apart, got the paints out and started creating out jungle. I had a big brush and Sami had a small one. At the same time we both went for the red paint and Sami said, "big brush get out of here I'm trying to get some paint." I replied, "little brush we can share this paint."
In that moment I visualized all these little paintbrushes running around that looked like humans. Yea, I know, crazy huh? Well little would I know that those paintbrush people would become what is now known as The Moinks Collection. I recently self-published a book based on those cartoon characters and even though the book is yet to break even with the publishing cost, the therapy it has given me is priceless.
Since being diagnosed with bipolar I have lived on disability and it has never been a dream of mine to live on a fixed income. So my plans are to somehow, someway take my Moinks on a rocket ride around the world until they land in every childs tv. Currently I am saving the money to repitch the idea to Nickelodeon. I pitched it once and the package made it to Nicks mail room and from that point they can't track it. Lost! The frustrating thing is Nick requires you to go through an attorney to be represented before they will consider your ideas. So that money is just wasted.
My goals are to help use a portion of the money made with my books (The Moinks Collection Presents Sami's Big Day by Margo Wolford) and future tv shows to help elderly people pay their power bills. Mom lived on a fixed incoome so me and Lisa (my partner) paid moms powerbill every month so she could have money for food. Something so simple made such a huge impact on moms life and I want to pass that on to others.
You can see the full collection of my Moinks as well as sneak peeks of the book @ http://www.themoinkscollection.com/
....
Next time I will try not to be such a debby downer and tell you about my As One LGBT logos :o)
Ok... here it is 2010 and I am finally getting on the blog wagon. Why? Well I didn't really think I had anything to say but for those who know me as a motor mouth would beg to differ.
What really brings me here is because I want to use this blog as a source of self motivation in bringing my new ideas to life and I hope to get feedback that kicks me in the butt from time to time so I can stay focused. I also want to be an inspiration to other bipolar people by telling my story.
Did I say focused? Being bipolar and staying focused is a job in its own. So if you are bipolar and reading this give yourself a pat on the back if you get to the bottom of the page in one sitting. ;o)
...Crash Course in Bipolar...
Being biploar is like watching a rat on a wheel. They work so hard to get where they are going in their mind but never reach the destination. The mind racing is so frustrating. It takes me several times to read something and comprehend it. The things that are no big deal to most people become a huge focal point of frustration to me.
After spending my life (I'm 41) just thinking I was a bitch, I was diagnosed with bipolar about 5yrs ago. I had went back to school after a work related injury left me unable to do heavy labor. I was studying to become a k-6 teacher and was a 1st time mommy to 6 month old Sami (Samantha Danielle Roberts-Wolford).
I had no idea at the time that I was suffering from postpartum depression and bipolar. I just thought I was overly stressed going back to school after Sami's birth. I had somehow managed, with my inability to stay focused for long periods of time, to maintain a 3.5-3.8 GPA.
...The Visit...
It was June 04. I drove to Illinois to visit my only sister Ruth (I love u sis) and my brother Curtis meet me there. I remember as he walked in the door at Ruths thinking he looked like a stroke victim. He was pale gray and looked totally drained of energy. My heart sank to my stomach. I was scared. We spent a few days together and Curt feel in love with Sami. I have the sweetest pic of him playing with her feet. We took a few pics and as he started to leave I remember this emptiness that came over me. I knew in my heart I would never see him again. I didn't know how, but I was sure that would be it. We went our seperate ways...
...The Day the World Stopped Spinning...
I don't remember who called me or what time of day it was I only remember that I couldn't breath and time stood still. My brother Curtis was dead just a few weeks after I saw him at Ruths. He would become the 2nd brother to die in his early 40's. My oldest brother Harold, died when I was much younger of a massive heart attack. Not to play down the grief of Junebugs death (that's whats the family called him), Curt's death brought me to my knees and would lead to some of the darkest days in my life.
I stayed with mom in KY while his funeral was held in Illinois...
...Trying To Move On...
I remember wandering through the halls trying to find classrooms I had spent the past 2yrs sitting in day after day. Feeling like I was losing my mind only to find out later I was having panic attacks. It was about two weeks into the first semester back after having Sami. I had worked so hard in college to succeed. I was a high school drop out and although I managed to get my GED I wanted to have a degree to be proud of.
I was sitting in one of my education classes watching the professor talk in slow motion. At least I thought she was. I couldn't breath and the people beside me felt like they where sitting in my lap. In that moment I decided to withdraw from college. I went home and became more irate than ever in my life. I sucked at being a mother, partner and human being.
Everything made me furious. The sound of my daughter crying, the TV, being spoken to. I hated myself and I hated life. I tried my best to shut the world out around me. I layed in bed for days at a time. As you can imagine this is the short version of the story.
...Being Diagnosed...
I finally realized that I needed help. I had wanted a baby all of my life (I was 35 at the time) and I was screwing up the best relationship I had ever had in my life. it took a lot of courage to go to the doctor. I assumed he would say stop being a bitch and get your shit together. In fact he knew me better than I knew myself.
I decided if I was going to do this I had to put all of my cards on the table, and that I did. By the time I was finished telling him what a horrible person I was I was confident he would be so disgusted he would show me the door. On the contrary the man saved my life in that moment.
"Margo I think you are bipolar," he said. Bipolar? The only time I had ever recalled hearing the word bipolar was while standing in the hall at school and watching this girl as she pestered the shit out of everyone around her. Someone said she was bipolar and I thought I don't care if she is tripolar she is driving me nuts. And that's what I was!?
It took several combinations of meds to find the ones that works best for me. Even though life is much better since being diagnosed and continuing therapy, life does still offer its challenges.
...Don't Get to Comfortable...
I am a firm believer that if you don't sit on the edge of your seat and stay ready life will slap you in the face.
It had been a year or so since Curt died and even though I had not went back to school I was beginning to find some light at the end of the dark tunnel I had been in. I spent time going back and forth to KY and building a relationship with mom, one we had not ever had before. I left home when I was 15 and pretty much have been on my own since then. Oh... did I mention I am also a lesbian? Looking back I don't know if our relationship was strained due to me being gay or due to the fact that I wanted to be independent and didn't mind voicing my opinion. Probably a lot of both.
Sept 9, 2006 I got the call from my cousin that mom had died. I had just spent a week with mom a few days later so emotions was running high. All I can say is thank God I had been taking my meds. In that moment I was heart broken but strangly enough, calm. I think part of me knew it was coming because mom had spent a lot of the time I was there talking about what she wanted me to do when she died. I knew I had to keep it together and make sure her last wishes where carried out.
Leaving out the fact that I have brothers that are not worthy of being called men, moms funeral went over pretty good. Looking back now I realize I was in a state of shock for about two weeks after moms death. I sat there Sept. 11th (my birthday) staring at her casket wondering what the future would hold. Boy was I in for a ride...
...Shadows in the Darkness...
After returning to TN (where I live) I pretty much stopped taking my meds because I didn't think I was able to grieve properly for mom. What I later learned in therapy is that grieving is not based on the number of tears you shed but the way you choose to remember the ones you lose. Nevertheless I did grieve, to the point of almost ending my life. I layed in bed countless days from Sept to Jan 07 and spent more time thinking of how I could end my life than I did living it.
I have never felt more alone, frustrated, scared, sad, empty, helpless and all the other words that come with dispare and agony. Days ran into weeks and I know that I was as close to giving up as I had ever been in my life. Keep in mind that when you are bipolar the things that most people can deal with rationally becomes a full blown episode of irrational thinking.
In those moments I felt like I was in a hole that kept getting deeper and darker. The shadows around me swallowed my soul to the point there was no climbing out.
...Mom to the Rescue...
Early Jan 07. I was laying in bed one day and going through my daily regime of self pity and contiplating suicide. I felt like someone was looking at me. I opened my eyes and even though I didn't see anyone there I felt the spirit of mom all around me. Mom use to tell us when we where depressed or frustrated to "bend over and pull yourself up by the bootstraps and keep going forward."
That morning I sat up in bed and for the first time in a long time I was ready to live. I was sick of being sick and ready to do something about it. I got out of bed and took a shower. I decided to spend the day playing with Sami. Sami loves to paint so I took an old box and tore it apart, got the paints out and started creating out jungle. I had a big brush and Sami had a small one. At the same time we both went for the red paint and Sami said, "big brush get out of here I'm trying to get some paint." I replied, "little brush we can share this paint."
In that moment I visualized all these little paintbrushes running around that looked like humans. Yea, I know, crazy huh? Well little would I know that those paintbrush people would become what is now known as The Moinks Collection. I recently self-published a book based on those cartoon characters and even though the book is yet to break even with the publishing cost, the therapy it has given me is priceless.
Since being diagnosed with bipolar I have lived on disability and it has never been a dream of mine to live on a fixed income. So my plans are to somehow, someway take my Moinks on a rocket ride around the world until they land in every childs tv. Currently I am saving the money to repitch the idea to Nickelodeon. I pitched it once and the package made it to Nicks mail room and from that point they can't track it. Lost! The frustrating thing is Nick requires you to go through an attorney to be represented before they will consider your ideas. So that money is just wasted.
My goals are to help use a portion of the money made with my books (The Moinks Collection Presents Sami's Big Day by Margo Wolford) and future tv shows to help elderly people pay their power bills. Mom lived on a fixed incoome so me and Lisa (my partner) paid moms powerbill every month so she could have money for food. Something so simple made such a huge impact on moms life and I want to pass that on to others.
You can see the full collection of my Moinks as well as sneak peeks of the book @ http://www.themoinkscollection.com/
....
Next time I will try not to be such a debby downer and tell you about my As One LGBT logos :o)
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