Friday, November 19, 2010

Did I just hear that?...

So yesterday Lisa and I ate lunch with Sami at her school. On the way out of the building we made our way through the crowds of ppl when to my right I hear someone call out "LESBIANS".  For a second I thought I was hearing things. I turned to look and I am not sure but I think it came from a black lady since she was the one laughing. I went on my way and asked Lisa if she heard that and she said no. So I just had to go back and we did. As I turn the corner to where the "lady" was I see her standing with a crowd of ppl laughing. The sad thing is there was what was obviously their kids standing there with them. I didn't say anything, only because Lisa wouldn't let me.

I am 42 years old and have nvr experienced anything thing like that. What a shame that we are almost in 2011 and there is still such ignorance beging taught to children through parents that obviously haven't learned themselves what it is to be judged.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Day by day...

Sitting here listening to the new Taylor Swift cd, she is such an amazing artist. I feel like a calm storm inside. It's taking some time to get this mania back in check. I have been edgy and snappy. I am determined not to let this get the best of me. I had came so far with my patience and took great pride in it. Things will be fine... I have to much to live for to let it get the last word. It's days like this I wish I could call mom and just hear her voice.

In the meantime I am getting my ducks in a row with my lgbtq As One logo. I contacted a professor of business at UT and got some vaulable information. I'm excited about the next steps.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Mommy daughter day...

Sami & I spent the evening hanging out. We played at the park where I actually had fun on the swings. It has been yrs since I played like that. Sami made friends as she always does. They played kick ball and burried acorns lol.  Then we went to Mc'ds and ate at the big stools. Sami thought that was fun. She played a while on playground then we went home before it got to cold. As we was leaving Mc'ds she said "can we go shopping now" lol

Homework time then a bath!

We have plans to do it again this weekend if it isn't to cold.

Time to move on...

My therapist says I should stop beating myself up. I suppose shes right. Even though thats what Lisa has been telling me for days. The truth is this has been building for months and it wasn't for lack of trying that things didnt't work out. Sometimes it's impossible to share your space with other ppl. For me it is and I have learned the hard way never to do that again. Sometimes the kindest gesture will come back to slap you in the face. I have learned to keep my head down, mind my own business and focus on me myself and I! Beats being used and made to look like a bitch in the end.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Not a moment to soon

Therapy in 30 min. I'm feeling very manic this morning. I wont bother listing all of the emotions just know that this is a very dark place. I'm just waiting for the bomb to blow. Never again will I allow myself to deal with such stress that it puts me over the edge. I feel anger and bitterness and could really use a break from reality right now.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Therapy tomorrow... thank God!

Imagine walking along minding your business and from out of no where you are attacked by something that has no face. It is an energy that consumes me and sends rage throughout my mind. That is what going manic feels like. It comes when it wants to but most intensly after being under great stress.

It's A New Day

I suppose I should allow myself to welcome defeat and give into my emotions. But my mom would kick my ass if she thought I would give up so easily.I have a precious daughter that takes my breath away. Not gonna check out that easily.

Tigger has slept next to my feet for the past few nights. Tigger is Sami's cat. Tigger is almost one and the sweetest kitty ever. I think he senses a shift in the energy around him. Enough negative energy. I must get my mind together.

I have plans...

We are in the process of trademarking my As One logos. I have a copyright but want to make sure my name is trademarked too. I need to change my profile pic to it. Maybe I will remember to do that today.

My plans are to license my logo to the lgbtq community retailers. Starting in Asheville NC. There must be 200 stores there. I can hear Lisa (my partner of 12yrs) say "THANK YOU FOR THESE YEARS, BUT I RETIRE. :o)"  That's music to my ears. I can hear her saying that and laughing until she crys. lol

I have 2 homes to build right away for the family. I plan to build them at the same time. Lisa will stay busy taking care of the houses with the help of our friend Christy. Christy is a kitchen designer in Asheville :o) Lisa & I have decided to move to Asheville once As One hits. Which I am planning within 8 months, by July 2011.

I feel a shift taking place. I told Lisa last night I feel like I can take on the world. This is a new type of manic to me. Typically manic for me means rage. I feel so calm and focused right now. Maybe its the rope mom drops down for me from tme to time. But I am a fighter, lover and dreamer. And I refuse to let go, rope burns and all.

Imagine it....

Standing on the porch mid October. Looking out into the mnts of Asheville. The breath taking fall leaves fall from the sky like winter snow will soon. As the evening fades the lights from the beautiful city below will soon be reflecting in the eyes of the one you love more than your next breath.

I can feel the cool breeze blowing as Lisa holds me tight and Sami says "It's cold out here lol"

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Manic whispers

Being manic means several things I suppose. But if u deny hearing the whispers, u will be denying the signs that u r about to become manic. It's like a good angel and a bad one. They r always close by. You fell the stress building as the whispers inform u that u have just been pissed off or something as desturbed ur wave frequency in the way ur calm mind is acting. Don't ignore the whispers they r ur gut saying ur about to .... BLOW!

As bad as things was in the height of my manic outburst I am grateful for my meds. I would give that episode a 3 or 4 out of the horrific 10 I was yrs ago before being diagnosed.

Be aware of the signs

I thought I had made great sucess in the past 6 or 7 yrs of therapy. I am living with an emptyness. Seems like I am on an emotional rollercoaster. This is an inside look at the depression side of bipolar. The manic is still lingering in the form of a heavy burdon weighing on my mind and heart. Seems like bullets are coming at me from all directions. the only thing I know to do is absorb them and hope one don't shatter my ability to reason with myself.

I wonder if I am giving myself good advice or setting myself up for definate disaster!


I think it took me going manic to appreciate my life and all that is in it. It's sad that it took such a horrific event to take place for me to realize I am so very fortunate in my life. There are moments burned into our minds that we nvr forget. I will live with my guilt for the rest of my life and use it as a tool to never put myself in another situation where I cannot control my own actions.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Manic after 7yrs

Thank God for my medication. i went manic the other night after being under months of stress. The sad thing is I destroyed a relationship that needs a lot of time to heal. Gratitude is so hard to come by sometimes. I preach gratitude to the world & I must be the most ungrateful person in the world.